I should so be sleeping right now....

Of all nights... tonight I need to be sleeping more then any night in recent memory. With a 4:15am alarm set.. it is now almost midnight and after a glass of vino and a couple pain killers I still am unable to quite the thoughts of the spinning carousel monster of it, what and but's in my head.

Tomorrow I am catching an early morning flight with a few friends, flying over to the Big Island (the island of Hawaii) and pushing the physical limits of my strength by hiking to a remote valley. We will be hiking 9 miles tomorrow and if that isn't bad enough it now looks like I will be doing it on no sleep, not to mention the wonderful liquid sunshine (rain) we are supposed to be hiking in. Waimanu Valley an amazing place to camp just make sure you bring your hiking shoes and are not afraid to cross 13 streams along the way.

Why tonight, of all nights you ask? or is it more like... Get to the point already dumb ass? gosh this dude can sure drag out this Cancer thing.... I got a call from City of Hope today (around 3pm) and they are ready to bring me over to have my transplant. This is a good thing mind you, but it is a scary/worrisome thing. I knew it was coming and have been mentally preparing for a transplant late this year early next year, however after talking to the transplant coordinator it really sinks in. My initial reaction was o.k. I am ready. Let's do this and get it done. That did not last long. 15 minutes or so and then I could not hold a thought what so ever. I could focus on what was left to do before leaving tomorrow.. Which happens to be very important. I have to be in court for a civil lawsuit on Monday (we get back 10pm Sunday night) that I have against a former employee for quite a bit of money, and I was going to put everything in order tonight.... I will now have to do it on upon my return. What timing I was given the court date just 2 days ago. That is another story for another e-mail... Then I went out to collect the last few items I needed and the sadness really hit me. Before I left the house I sent an e-mailed to few people who had offered to stay with me in the past (if that was something I needed) and to a few people that I thought may have the ability and desire to do so as well. Well while I was driving I started to think of each of the people I had sent the e-mail to, and the people that I did not send the e-mail to.. AND how the hardest things for me to deal with seem so silly... if I could just step back and look at it from your perspective.

It is so tough...... Not being able to take care of yourself

It is so tough...... To not only rely on other, but ask for help... and it is not that I mind help. I actually like it, however some inner, animalistic, barbaric notion can not just except it... What is up with that.. Really!!!

It is so tough..... Not knowing what is next... even worse is knowing what is next and how bad it is going to suck. Like it or not, except it or not.... It is going to suck... like taking a poop in the space shuttle

So there you have it. Of all the nights. Tomorrow is going to be something. Here is what I know as of now.

I am to have surgery the 2nd week of December for an umbilical hernia. After a month I am supposed to go to CA and start treatment. A week of meeting with the Doc's Mon-Thurs with a Friday admission. I am asking for a slight delay in my arrival date. They want me there like the 3rd but I will push them back to the 24th give or take. I am going to plan something fun or as least try to.... Maybe a week to 10 days in the grand canyon something of that nature.... We'll see. Anyway here is the cliff note version of there plans for me once I arrive. (My coordinator is going to e-mail me a detail outline of the treatment regime later, so I will have more details and a better idea of drugs and so forth)

Sunday 24th arrive to CA
Monday 25th blood work and meet with my Onc.
Tues-Thurs meet with Radiation Onc. and someone else
Friday get admitted to the hospital. Either have a central line inserted or go to surgery to have another Hickman catheter place.
Friday-Sunday Radiation therapy, followed by chemo therapy. Now I am not sure if this specific chemo will be administered after my days of Radiation or in conjunction with the radiation..hum, does it really matter?

I will then receive stem cells from a donor. I will not be receiving bone marrow like previously thought. It seems marrow transplants are done less and less frequently because of the risk involved.

So all this takes place and it is estimated that I will be in the hospital for 30 days. Close to the amount of time with my last transplant. I will then have to stay near the hospital for another 70 days until I am cleared to return home. So I will be in CA from late January till early May in my estimation.

So that is the skinny on that... now the bad news... Yea if you can believe that.. That is the good news... My arch enemy Mrs. Golgen must have been tight with God, maybe he had a childhood crush on her and carried her books to school for her... nah must have been the other guy... cause I am paying for big time for 10 grade biology...

The bad news. Doxil one of the chemotherapy drugs I am on can cause heart failure. I have been on the medication for 8 months/cycles. Thankfully it has helped with my IgD levels, UnThankfully it has wrecked my heart. I hearts Ejection Fraction or EF has droped from 64% to 44%. EF means: (when heart contracts it ejects out blood but a certain amount of blood is still left in heart. so ejection fraction is the fraction of total blood in the heart which is sent out by heart after contraction.normally it is around 65%) It is like I have had a heart attack or better yet like I have been smoking ICE for years and my heart muscle is swollen flabby and not beating very well. This is why I have been so fatigued for the past few months. I found this out a couple weeks ago, but I had trouble getting past it. I will not see a cardiologist until I get the results of the Echocardiogram (that I am scheduled to have next Tuesday) to confirm the results of the MUGA scan. You talk about feeling low. I sat at the computer to type up an up date because my IgD levels did go down again, but I just could not. I felt like all the wind was taken out of my sails.... I had a feeling like I practice hard for something, practiced for a long time and then in the last second I lost... an indescribable empty feeling that last about 3 days

So that is what I have been up to... Oh did I mention I had a Clonic... No well why would hide that embarrassing tid bit from everyone. My "lower" stomach has been so bad lately I went almost a week without eating solid foods, then added a dinner to the menu for a few more days, and now camp food. However after day 6 of my almost all liquid diet... I had my self some good old colon cleansing. Can't say that I recommend it but I am hopefully that it will help with my digestion, pain, cramping, and not so pleasant trips to the boy's room....

Well it is now about 1am and now that I got some of this out I will attempt to catch a few hours of sleep... Let me rephrase that. I am now going to close my eyes and fall asleep for a few hours so I can hit the trail tomorrow.