Although I have been funky on occasion, quite possibly never more so then a 10 day trip Serena and I took through the Kimberly’s National Park in Western Oz. Many moons ago during that ten day adventure we were presented with the opportunity to shower twice. Although the water was frigid beyond the temperature required for normal "shrinkage" everyone traveling on this adventure myself included took advantage of the opportunities. Although showers and the opportunity to properly take soap to ones body were limited (hence the reference to Funky… this parenthesis included solely for the benefit of Matt and Intrieris intelligence level) we did have a chance to submerge ourselves into various bodies of water along the way. We were around water Streams, Ponds, Lakes, Billabongs and such on a daily basis. The details of that 2003 adventure are a little blurry however still very memorable. Now I am as far off the subject as you are from Oz. Not including Goodgames, Dave & Agnes, Pete, Leigh, Sarah, and George.
I have been meaning to blog. I have come close. I stopped blogging just before my transplant. It came at a time when it appeared that I stopped due to being in the hospital and being sick, however the decision to no longer post information on the net was made before I got sick in the hospital. I stopped for personal reasons and then with everything that went on with and since my hospitalization, especially in my personal life I did not know where to begin or if I would. Well as the title of this post suggest I am in a Funk. For sometime after my return to Hawaii and Divorce I proceeded to "go through the motions". However I struggled with the meaning of my time, my life, what it meant to me, why it did not mean as much to me now as it had years before. The sky did not appear as blue and my surroundings as colorful as they had in my past..... When I was happy. Life truly lacked it's color, the little pleasantries.... the smell of the air after a heavy rain, soft grass under my feet while on a walk, jog, or running after a Frisbee in the park.
Late last year / earlier this year I thought I reach a plateau. The first step in my journey toward normalcy or at least what I perceive as normalcy (for me mentally and emotionally). Getting back to the enjoyment of simple things. Putting some recent life events into my past and moving on. I was doing well, enjoying my days more... much more then I had in some time. I started various exercise classes, going to the gym to ride the stationary bike a couple times a week and swimming in the ocean when I could. I started eating better and quickly lost a lot of the excess weight I have been carrying. No need to preach, I know and have heard it from many people "It is good to have a little extra weight." "You don't want to be too thin, in case.", and "you look good right now, you do not need to loose anymore weight." All nice things to say, but no one knows ones body better then oneself. I went over 200lbs at one point. And during my brief period on that plateau mentioned above I got down to 182lbs. Still 10-15lbs over my normal body weight but acceptable. I am now back in that Funk. Thanks to the flu, personal stressor, and the lovely side effects from my newest chemotherapy treatment (shingles and a new record level of neuropathy pain). All excuses.....
This is a mental thing.... feeling bad for myself on some level, or just feeling bad. I am not sure which because I don't feel that bad (mentally), however I am not motivated to move forward. I am going through the motions again. I hope that getting my thoughts out or into this blog will help push me forward. Recently when I was going through the motions I did things (Skydive, snorkel, hike, travel) that would normally bring a feeling of living to me. They did not, but when I was feeling better on the plateau the little things mattered again.
Earlier today I received my second cycle of the third type of treatment prescribed since my transplant, and second since my remission ended. I think it was this event or course of medications that pushed me to start typing. That and the high dose of steroids (Decadron, what Serena would justifiably call the crazy med) that I have to take for the next four days which will keep me up make me cranky and cause an insatiable hunger for about at least a week. The Chemo treatment (course or medication) is what worries me. It caused my shingles about 5 weeks ago, and a lot of pain. Pain that reached a level of intolerable on a few occasions. Once the pain was unbearable it took hours and a lot of medication before it was tolerable again. As I continue with the current medication I know my neuropathy will get worse, the pain will get worse and typing this blog my help me by accepting this before it happens. Reminding me that this is what it is & it is just around the corner. It may just help me ready myself and help push me to go about my day. I know it is ok if it slows me down or if I have to change my plans, cancel an appointment/lunch/or meeting if I am not feeling well. I know not to push it "to far or to hard" but it is time to start living again, and I need to get bank on that bike and ride. I will just have to get a side seat take my life partner MM along.
Who wants to go for a ride?
